The Bird House


“Tabby, Fluffy come here!”

“Yes Mrs. Human, to your command Mrs. Human.”

“Cut the politeness, you are not usually so polite. You both have the impression that you are in charge in my home.”

“In our home, Mrs. Human, just a small correction.”

“What is that poster doing on the wall outside our home?”

“We thought that now the feeding station, sorry bird house, is in position, we could drum up some audience to watch the birds. You know how much we appreciate our feathered friends in Winter, and we thought we would invite some our our fellow felines in the neighbourhood to participate in the bird watching.”

“This does not look like an invitation, it looks more like a threat and a profit making business.”

“No, Mrs. Human, how could you? We only have good intentions. Fluffy and I, were admiring the wonderful construction of the feline feeding station for birds and we decided to share its advantages with our fellow felines.”

“And you are charging them for the purpose. I read one tin of tuna fish or a share of the hunting results. First of all I am not donating our supply of tuna fish to any feline that happens to want to do some bird watching, and there will be no hunting in my back garden, so there will be no hunting results.”

“But Mrs. Human, let us explain. In winter our feathered friends are hungry and from the goodness of your heart you are supplying seeds to help them exist throughout the cold weather. This means that the birds will be flocking in hundreds to share all the goodies. They are open to attack from other animals and we just want to protect them. If the bird house is surrounded by felines showing their claws and gnashing their teeth it will scare any other dangerous animals away. It is part of our bird protection scheme.”

“And what about the hungry felines watching the flying food chain.”

“That is the clever part Mrs. Human.They will supply us with tins of tuna fish for permission to watch or take part. All felines enjoy bird watching, it is one of our favourite sports. You will then have enough tuna fish for us without having to buy it.”

“And the hunting results.”

“In every business proposition there is an element of risk. Generally the birds are too fast for us. It is only the babies that do not get away, but in Winter there are no babies. Fluffy and I agreed to add those words, as it would encourage more of our feline friends to partake in the enjoyment.”

“Tabby, Fluffy, remove the poster at once. I want happy satisfied birds in my garden and not feathered game to satisfy the appetite of the local felines and flying in fright worried about being eaten. And if I see one feather in my home, or our home, from a sparrow, blue tit or finch, there will be no more tuna fish and I will count your vitamin pellets one by one before serving them. Is that clear?”

“What about Bubu?”

“Who is Bubu?”

“He is the chief feline in the neighbourhood and the Gato di tutti Gatti (cat of all cats). It was his idea and he paid us two tins of tuna fish to make the preparations.”

“You can tell Bubu, the boss of your cat mafia that if I find one dead bird I will have Bubu’s whiskers as an ornament on the wall. Is that clear?”

“But Bubu will not like that.”

“I don’t care what Bubu likes. And now have one of your famous sleeps that last 22 hours and meditate about it. In the meanwhile I will tell the birds to organise a couple of crows as guards on the bird house.”

“Oh, we don’t like crows, they are so dangerous.”