“Mrs. Human time for a history lesson. There she is, the reason why we felines were worshipped as Gods.”
“But Nera feline, she has legs and feet like humans and no whiskers.”
“That is the slyness of the feline. If she had kept her paws and whiskers on the statue, would you have worshipped her?”
“What’s red?” asked my feline Nera.
“It’s a colour Nera, why do you ask?”
“Just wondering Mrs. Human. What does red look like?”
“The tulip in the garden is red Nera, look.”
“Aha, but the tulip is sort of blue, or is it green. Tabby what do you think?”
Nera’s sister studied the tulip for a while.
“If you ask me it is just sort of medium, not dark, but not quite light. Almost the same as it’s leaves which are green, but perhaps just a little brighter. Why do you ask?”
“Mrs. Human has a challenge all about colours, so I thought I would help her, but I don’t think the word “colour” exists in meow.”
“Of course, it doesn’t Nera” answered Tabby “we do not need colours. When night falls we just concentrate on what moves, if it is covered in fur, then eat it. Who cares if it is Red or pink or orange, even brown.”
I decided to intervene in this intellectual conversation.
“Felines, do you want to tell me that you do not see colours?”
“Is that so important?” asked Nera “as Tabby says, if it moves eat it. What we see moves, that is all that is necessary.”
“But you must see the beautiful colours of the flowers in the garden. Red, orange, yellow….”
“Mrs. Human we do not eat flowers, so who cares if it has colours or not” said Nera.
“But sometimes things look different Nera. I think the humans call it blue, like the sky does, or green like the grass. All the rest looks a bit grey-white-blackish to me” added Tabby.
“Just a minute felines” I interrupted “you mean you only see shades of grey, blue and green.”
“Yes Mrs. Human, you have it. We can even see more than fifty shades of grey if the light is right. Blues and greens seem to mix in now and again.”
“Listen felines” and blind Fluffy appeared. “I am blind so they say, although I still do not know what that is. I just wanted to add that colours are really not important. I do not miss them, all I know is that if I sink my teeth into it and it is tasty, then it is my next meal. Since when do we eat colours?”
“Fluffy you have a very good point there. You see Mrs. Human” said Nera “who needs colours, you cannot eat colours, so who cares. One think I know is that it is now getting darker, so I will expand my scope of vision to make sure nothing escapes my claws and I am off for the hunt. Are you coming Tabby?”
“I am with you Nera” and they both disappeared. Fluffy decided to sleep further.
One think I have now learnt, that my felines do not see colours as we do, it seems light and dark and more than fifty shades of grey with some black and white, although their green and blues seem to appear. Are they colour blind?”
“Did you say something Mrs. Human?”
“No Nera, just forget it. Enjoy your hunt.”
I decided a further discussion on colour would be a lost cause.
Unfortunately the choral sounds are sometimes a little off key. The large black feline, leading the way in the photo and known as Nera, tends to sing somewhat forte forcing the other members into the background. She is convinced she is the leading singer of the group. She does not always hit the correct note, her voice being basically falsetto. Her solos are, however, unique. High pitched, with a strong finale. Her voice is made to be heard above all others, especially when a dish of tuna fish in placed in front of her.
Her litter sister on the right in the photo, Tabby is more a background singer. As a choir singer her voice unfortunately tends to lose itself amongst the others, mainly because of the Nera dominance when singing together. However, she has endurance, is a stayer and will not give up, in spite of some negative reactions from Nera. Unfortunately due to this perseverance, one can get very quickly tired of hearing the same monotonous notes. She really puts everything into her song, sometimes just a little too much. Again a reward of tuna fish is often necessary as an encouragement.
At the front left, we have Fluffy, the only male member of the choir. He is blind, but does not realise this. Unfortunately Fluffy tends to strike his notes with a full throaty tone when not absolutely necessary. I suppose you could say a “singing in the bath” type of feline, although felines do not bath and tend to lick themselves clean. Fluffy practices quite a lot, sometimes constantly, especially during the night, as the day if more reserved for resting his voice chords when sleeping. Nera, the lead singer, is not so happy with this state of affairs, and must often put Fluffy into his right place, generally by tapping him on the nose with protruding claws, ensuring that Fluffy increases the volume and reaches even a higher pitch. He is not so tuneful, but this does not seem to bother him. Again a reward of tuna fish is necessary.
It sometimes happens, that Mrs. Human joins in to pull things together. She has a very loud voice, but it serves its purpose when the feline singsong gets a little out of tune. Sometimes a guest singer may attend the choir practice: perhaps a feline from the neighbourhood. This is not seen upon as favourable, and it could be that the voices reach unwanted octaves, an underlying moaning and spitting supplement to the general tune.
A word to the rhythm perhaps: this tends to go in various directions. It seems that this must be practiced more, so that all felines are pulling on the same beat. Charles Ives, an American composer, was successful with his bitonal and polytonal harmonizations, the man was a musical genius. Unfortunately the felines are not so gifted in this respect, although they never give up (unfortunatly?) and endeavour to improve their musical qualities constantly.
My three felines seemed to be engaged in a conversation all morning: restless paws and twitching whiskers accompanied by miaows. I overheard the chief feline, Nera, say to her colleagues
“Are you ready Tabby, Fluffy. Got your paw cards for identity?”
It was then that I got curious and asked what a paw card was and if there was something I should know.
“We would have told you Mrs. Human, but we wanted to get everything ready. Every twenty feline moons, the planet Koshka does a census of the universal feline population, meaning we all have to travel to the planet to register. We need our paw cards as proof that we are not imposters.”
“You have a planet?”
“Of course Mrs. Human, do you think we come from this place called Earth? Our origines are far away, not even in this galaxy. Our great leader, Bast, colonized Earth for us. We are Gods and the Egyptians treated us with respect. Some of us are still here, and we have to return to our mother planet now and again to register and report on the conditions still existing on Earth. According to what we say, it is decided whether Earth may continue to exist in its present form.”
“Just a minute Nera, I don’t get this. Felines decide on the continuation of the human domination of planet Earth?”
“Of course”, Mrs. Human said Tabby “do you really think that Humans are superior to felines, but because you have hands instead of paws? That is why we are here, because Bast discovered that our human slaves compensate actions with their hands that we felines cannot do so well. And there is no such thing as human domination.”
“And that is why we will be away for a few hours. On planet Koshka it will be a few weeks, but time is different on Koshka.” Added Nera
“And how will you be going? If it is so far away, you will have to used a spaceship or rocket?”
“Forget it Mrs. Human, we use teleportation. No problem.”
“You use what?”
“We do it all the time, humans do not have to know everything. Do you really think we catch so many mice by waiting in the fields. We just do that to fool the humans, and they are easily fooled. No, we teleport and now we have no time to loose: Ready Tabby and Fluffy?”
“Yes madam, we are.”
“Nera is now madam?”
“Of course” answered Tabby “on planet Koshka she belongs to the government as the spokeslady for planet Earth. We do not use tom cats, they smell and have only one function really.”
“Which is?”
“Think about it Mrs. Human, we are off.” The three felines then stood together in a group, closed their eyes and sort of melted into the background.”
It was late in the evening so I decided to go to bed, wondering what my three felines were now doing and if the journey went well. But, just a minute, felines that come from another planet, take over the earth, and report back to their chief Bast every so often, travelling by Teleporter (whatever that is). I think they were having me on.
The next morning I awoke to find Nera, Tabby and Fluffy sleeping in their usual sleeping places.
Suddenly Tabby appeared in the kitchen sniffing around her food and started to eat.
“How did the visit to planet Koshka go?” I asked.
“Quite well Mrs. Human, but Princess Nera will fill you in on the details.” And Tabby ate further.
So now I have a princess amongst my felines. In a way I was glad, I did not really want to refer to Nera as “madam” all the time.
“Morning Mrs. Human” Nera entered. “It was lovely to see Bast again. She wanted to send me to planet Bizarro, but I managed to persuade our leader that planet Earth with Mrs. Human is the right place for such a gifted feline as I am.”
“And I am supposed to believe all of this.”
“Believe what you want Mrs. Human, but Bast gave me something for you. You have been voted human of the year for your acknowledgement of our superiority. You paw card is on your e-mail on the computer, you just have to print it out. I would advise you to hang it next to the feeding bowels to remind you of the honour you have been given.”
Yes, my pawcard was delivered by e-mail on the computer. But keep this to yourselves, we do not want people to think that felines come from another planet , travel by teleporter and send messages by e-mail, now do we?
“Mrs. Human, what are we supposed to do with all those stupid dogs that you have brought home. We are allergic to those inferior animals, remove them from our sight.” And my three cats stamped their paws and miowed in a loud chorus
“But felines, I was talking to the vet and he said that it is a new cure for felines that run away from dogs. It is to show you that they are lovable cuddly animals.”
“Cuddly my paw” said Nera, the chief feline. I don’t need a cure for disliking dogs. I just have to avoid them.”
“She’s right” said Tabby. “Who needs toy dogs, they are second worse to real dogs. Since when are dogs lovable. Their sole objects in life is to obey humans, make loud noises and chase cats. They are stupid to go with it.”
“But Tabby, I think you just misunderstand them. I was thinking of getting a little lost dog for company at home. This collection of toy dogs is to help you to accept the canine problems and to live with a dog together.”
“What!!! Mrs. Human have you been bitten by a mad dog or something. No, no way will I Fluffy accept a canine monster in my household. They are just plain stupid, not able to take a message and report back like us intelligent superior felines, but they actually obey humans, with their tongue hanging out and slopping all over the place. No Mrs. Human, you are not turning our home into a canine playground.”
“Yes but…..” and Nera took over.
“Mrs Human where is this four legged intruder supposed to sleep?”
“I thought I would put a nice comfortable cushion in front of the window. That way he could watch for intruders and bark if someone wanted to break in.”
“Big deal Mrs. Human” said Tabby “what intruders? The only intruders I have ever seen are the felines living nearbye and they respect our territory. A dog does not even know what territory is. It will leave its paw marks all over the place, and if anyone sleeps in a comfortable cushion here it is me and my fellow felines. Dogs sleep outside in a kennel where they belong, if they belong at all. “
“And just to underline the problem Mrs. Human, you are not going to convert our feline home into a canine playground” added Nera.
“That’s the way to go Mrs. Human” and Nera feline was really excited.
“What do you mean Nera.”
“Look at the photo, our ex neighbour Bobinette caught a mouse and is deciding to have it raw, fried or grilled.”
“I do not think so Nera”. I said. “That is an older photo, Bobinette no longer lives next door, but has moved away with the humans that she owns and I do not think that her humans would actually cook a mouse.”
“One way or the other”, Mrs. Human “I am off on a mouse hunt. It is Spring and there is newborn life in the air.” And with a swish of her tail Nera went on her way across the fields.
“This looks good” she thought and pushed her paw into a hollow in the ground. “I am sure this is the entrance to a mouse hole. Miawwwwwww!” and with a loud cry she removed her paw from the ground, licking it to sooth the pain. “What was that?”
“That was me, protecting my children” said a high squeeky voice.
“Who are you? That hurt.” Nera was not very happy.
“Just call me Mrs. Mouse. My teeth have grown nice and long and sharp through the Winter, all the better for protecting my ten babies against cats prodding their paws into my home.”
Nera decided to end the conversation, her paw still throbbing and went on her way. In the distance she saw a field where the farmer was sewing the corn for the harvest.
“That looks good, I am sure the mice will be looking for their dinner in the field” and she bounced on her way to the field. That was a sight to see, mice hopping in all directions, but almost too many directions.
“I’m here cat” squeaked a mouse.
“Couldn’t be better” thought Nera, “an invitation to a meaty meal.”
Nera pounced, but remained with empty paws, her throbbing paw now hurting even more.
“No, here” said another mouse and Nera turned to pounce again. Just as she was setting for a spring in the air, she heard another mouse. “We are all here, we are all eating here” and Nera turned again and again and again until she felt so dizzy she had to stop and gather her feline wits about her.
Eventually she fell asleep, like all good felines. After a long refreshing sleep she awoke and saw it would soon be night. She decided to call it a day, tomorrow was another mouse day, and she hopped home, her paw still hurting.
“Nera, why are you limping” I asked.”
“A stupid mouse bit me, just because I put my paw down her mouse hole. After all she said she had ten babies, and could not even spare me one.”
“I should hope not they are babies and not a menu supplement for a feline. Come here Nera, I will clean your paw and put some ointment on it and bind it. How does it feel now?”
“Much better Mrs. Human, but I am still hungry.”
“No problem Nera” and Tabby her litter sister entered. “Look, you can have this one” and Tabby threw a mouse landing at Nera’s paws.”
“Thanks Tabby, where did you find that mouse.”
“Oh it just ran into my paws. You have to be quick and light pawed to catch a mouse Nera. No good if you are overweight, you do not move fast enough.”
“Are you insinuating that I am ………” Nera did not have a chance to finish her sentence.
“Nera, do you want that mouse or not, I can always find room for another mouse meal.”
“No, Tabby, keep your fur on” and Nera started her mouse meal, not even noticing that her paw was still hurting. She just thought to herself, “Third time lucky”.
“Nera feline, what are you thinking about?” Not being any humans around at the moment and not wishing to call someone with such a strange question, I decided to ask my chief feline.
“Mrs. Human, why are you asking such a silly question, you will only get a silly answer, but if you insist, I am thinking that at last I can air my fur in the sun and fresh air. The Winter months really do not improve my beauty, although my beauty is almost past improvement I know. “
Yes, today was the first real Spring day. It was a long cold snowy Winter, but it seems that the trees in the garden have at last noticed that Spring is in the air. Buds are forming and there are fresh green shoots appearing in the ground.
“Mrs. Human”
“Yes Nera”
“I really do not think that your blog viewers interest themselves for your Spring descriptions. I am the feline you are asking and what I have to say is decisive, not your sloppy words over the weather.”
“Sorry Nera, but I was just qualifying your reasons for laying on your back with your legs in the air.”
“I do not have to be qualified, it is just me.”
“But your short furred litter sister Tabby never lays on her back, and neither does Fluffy your other feline colleague.”
“Of course not Mrs. Human. Tabby just rolls around on the ground for a back scratch and Fluffy, being a Selkirk Rex, has rastafari dreadlocks which do not need any grooming. However, me being a pefect feline, with luxury fur, have to keep myself in trim and let the air circulate from time to time.”
“Yes Nera and speaking of keeping in trim, I think you will now have to eat a little less. It seems you have put on some extra weight during the Winter months. Just laying around and sleeping is not enough exercise.”
“Are you insinuating that I am fat Mrs. Human. How often do I have to emphasise that it is fluff, long silky fur and has nothing to do with any extra weight. I do not have a gram of fat on my streamlined body.”
“But I noticed you do not move as fast as you did last year. It seems you resemble more a ship that sways on high seas, than a streamlined feline. Aw, that hurt Nera and now I have a long scratch on my hand.”
“If you insult me Mrs. Human, you get your punishment. I do not sway, that is just a sexy movement that most female felines would be proud to have. If you had not brought me to the vet for that unforgettable operation, you would be fighting the male species away from the door. On the other hand, who wants litters of screaming kittens wanting to be fed.”
“Exactly Nera, it is all for your own good. Do you have any other thoughts in your feline brain Nera?.
“Food, birds, mice, scratching and sleep and perhaps a visit to my litter box to relieve my recycling process.
And that concludes the thoughts of the person nearest to me. Nera is not a person? Of course she is, at least she thinks so.
“What did you say Nera? Yes, I will put a pinch of tarragon in your tuna fish this evening and serve it with a lacing of caviar. No caviar, just a side plate of fresh trout will do? No problem Nera.”
